breaking out of my chelle: repost

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*a blog post i started a few weeks ago. now my train of thought has completely been broken. i don't even remember why.

@--,--'--

Just a little senti tonight...

I wish I knew, I wish somebody told me.

For the longest time, as far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to be on my own, living in my own home, financially independent, travelling for leisure… I wanted to be free. I wanted to be away from it all. At the time, “it” meant my life, the people around me, problems, pressure, even depression. I want to say the typical angst that a teener goes through, although I don’t know if it is indeed typical. I now realize that that has always been my means of coping – I run away. I escape...

XXX

that's it.

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Posted in: escape, repost on Monday, October 15, 2007 at at 6:04 AM 1 comments

home of my heart

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...i'm sitting under this tree, it's very early in the morning, everything is wet with dew. everything looks shiny and twinkling as the first rays of the sun touches every gem drop of water. and the smelll is amazing, the sweet grass smell.. it's a secret scent, only those of us who've waken up around it will know it.

there is no one around for miles, not one single person in sight.. just me and the flowers and the trees and the hills and the grass. and it is simply amazing. i'm home.

it's still quite cold, i pull my jacket around me tighter, but the rays of the sun are comforting, like a hug that is coming from everywhere and emanating from my heart, warm and full of emotion, like a long lost friend, who has been gone for a long time (or was it me who has been gone a long time) and suddenly there they are. a hug from the sun.

i pick a spot, a quiet inviting spot.. a spot destined to be mine, readied over years and years by rain and sunshine, just for me, just for today. and i'm content.

when im lonely im here. when i pray, im here. when im alone im here. when i think and dream and wish and make up stories in my mind, im here. always here. in this place all mine.

i don't remember when i first came here. it may be one very lonely day years ago, when i couldn't leave and i couldn't stay at the same time but i just had to be somewhere else. somewhere far and i could be alone.

there are days when i don't come here too.. i forget sometimes and reality takes a hold of me. but i always always remember and i return.

in here i could be me, or be someone else, or search for myself, or search for someone else. i could stay here and no one will notice, but that's fine. i don't mind solitude. it's loneliness i fear. and it's never lonely here.

every leaf proclaims joy and you can't help but feel it. every blade of grass lifts its arms in happiness, every dew drop a smile, every flower a prayer of thanksgiving, and the wind is contentment.. and all these reaches out to me, and i feel it too.

just as the dew drops fall to the earth, i run. i'm free. uphill, downhill, chasing butterflies, dancing to the music of my heart, my soul singing, and i'm smiling.

but sometimes, i come here to cry. i come here to lay my head on the earth and cry my heart out. countless times when all seems lost and no one is around and nothing is right, i come here and cry and pray...

one day i will bring my children here, for only a child will see it as i see it, and we will run and chase butterflies and dance to the wind and sing with our souls.

but for now, this is my spot.

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